It’s been a rough couple of weeks.
In February, I began going back to therapy and got back on medication. I was lucky enough to find success with one of the first drugs we tried and for several months, I felt like a film had been lifted from my eyes; I was no longer looking at life through a haze.
But there was one side effect I wasn’t happy about. So last month, with my therapist’s guidance, I switched medications. The first week was awful- I had never been so tired in my life. So we increased the dosage, which was supposed to decrease the sleepiness. Another week later and I was less sleepy but I still wasn’t feeling great. So we increased the dose again. Now I felt spacey, irrational, depressed and completely miserable. I texted my therapist for the first time in a panic- I wanted off this drug NOW.
I began the process of tapering off my current medication and getting back on my old medication. During this time is when I started my blog. In the beginning, I was blown away by the responses I was getting- messages from people I hadn’t spoken to or seen in weeks, months or even years, visitors from 5 different countries and nearly 1,000 page views! It was so much more than I had expected and I was filled with joy. But I also knew that by bringing out into the light that which Satan wanted left in darkness, I was putting a big target on my head. I thought I was prepared, but I’ve since realized I definitely had chinks in my armor.
This week, it felt like a tsunami hit. One little misunderstanding turned into a deluge of discontent. But if I was to be honest with myself, this did not spring forth from nothingness. Satan knew my weaknesses and he had been prodding at parts of my heart I had left exposed.
I don’t know how God speaks to you, but I have often heard His heart through books. I’m not talking about theological and historical books; most often it has been through Christian fiction. One of my favorite authors is Robin Jones Gunn. A few years ago she wrote a nonfiction book entitled “Victim of Grace” and I bought it, but could never seem to get past the first chapter. Well, this week I felt it was time to buckle down and read it. As I read, I found myself constantly wiping away tears and holding back sobs. The situations she was describing from her past felt like they were written just for me or in some cases, about me. God was speaking loud and clear to my heart. But I’m stubborn and while I felt moved in those moments, I did not allow myself time to repent and ask for God’s grace to help me. So I continued in my discontent, wondering all the while why I couldn’t shake these horrible feelings.
I was getting ready for bed tonight and opened up my Bible app to read my devotion for the evening when I realized I hadn’t read the verse of the day. Suddenly things became clear again:
“Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God’s right hand. Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth.” Colossians 3:1-2 NLT
Here I was caught up in the things of earth when God was asking me to just shift my gaze. He had been slowly depositing that word in my heart for the past week but I couldn’t seem to wrap my mind around it. And honestly, I’m still not sure what this means for me. But I want to “be about my Father’s business” and stop worrying so much.
The most meaningful and beautiful moments in my life have come about when I have been willing to let God reveal His heartbeat to me. So tonight I pray that God would give me the grace I need to be more heavenly minded.
To purchase “Victim of Grace: When God’s Goodness Prevails” https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310324793/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_tai_QfRPxbNSS1B9J