Conquering old fears

I’ve mentioned before that I’ve lived much of my life in fear. Fear of failure, fear of what other people think of me, fear of the unknown. I think in someways, I’ve even been afraid to be happy. This year, I want to change that as best I can. And this week has been a series of steps to start my journey. 

For those of you who don’t know me, I don’t drive. This has been a huge source of shame for me and something that is hard for me to admit. I have serious anxiety surrounding driving. I’m fine being a passenger (although I do get carsick), but driving a car myself? My heart starts racing, my mind starts reeling and my stomach feels like it loses all control. I first got my permit when I was 18. I did the five hour course, took driving lessons, went through counseling, on and on. Everyone I have driven with has told me I am an excellent and conscientious driver. But none of it has mattered; I cannot seem to overcome my irrational fears. Now, twelve years later, my permit had expired for the second time, meaning I had to take the permit test again and the five hour! So Monday, I took my permit test and happily passed! And Thursday I took my 5 hour. While I know I have been here before and never gotten up the nerve to take the driving test, I am feeling very hopeful and I’m determined to conquer this fear this year. Please pray for me as I continue taking the necessary steps to become a confident driver! 

If you read my last blog, you know the struggle I was going through not having my own classroom for the first time in four years. Sunday, I had a friend and former coworker ask me out of the blue if I would be interested in returning to my old job, that I had quit two years ago. Now a little background, after working at this school for two years, I decided it was time for me to leave. I was getting married and felt I needed a job that was less stressful. So the idea of going back was definitely a bit scary. But thinking about it, this was the first job offer I’d gotten for the year that I felt excited about. I really couldn’t explain it. Then I received a message from someone I didn’t expect- a parent who’s son I had the privilege of teaching during my two years at this school. She said, “I’m thrilled for you. God truly has a destiny for all of us. Often times it gets worse before it gets better but months go by and you reflect. Then you realize this is where you should be and why. You are an amazing teacher and will do well.” It was such an unexpected blessing and I think it confirmed a lot of things in my heart for me. 

I accepted the job offer Thursday and visited my new class on Friday. I have no doubt this is going to be a year of great stretching, but with stretching comes growth and progress. I also believe this may be another step in me gaining healing from and victory over some past hurts. Again, I humbly ask that you pray for me as I begin this school year Monday. My students have faced an uncertain start to their year and I have not had time to prep the   classroom to my liking or get my curriculum all in order. I also learned of specific language barriers that will be present. Please pray for wisdom as I face these challenges. Pray that I would be patient and feel peace during this transition process. But mostly, please pray for my beautiful class, that they would have an enjoyable year, that they would grow as individuals and that God would use me to touch their hearts. 

Lastly on this little update, this weekend has been so refreshing for me and my husband. We have been able to spend some much needed time together (yay!). Last night, we stopped at a bookstore and I found two books that caught my attention. Nine times out of ten, if I have money to spend on books, I’ll pick some intriguing fiction read. But there was something about these books and my husband encouraged me to get them. 

I haven’t started them yet, but you can be sure I will keep you all posted on them (no pun intended)! I am so thrilled to see how God is going to continue to challenge me this year. 

Thank you all for continuing to love and support me on this journey! 

6 thoughts on “Conquering old fears

  1. Stephanie , l just wanted to let you know that I share many of the same fears with you! I too I have a major issue with driving I to feel
    much shame with that . It a real struggle every day for me even though I do physically do it! Please call me if you ever want to talk! All my love, Nicole

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Praying for you and also so excited! I’m reminded of something your mom or Bekkah (can’t remember) said in the beginning of 2016-this is a year of breakthrough! I feel it for you girl! Keep pressing on!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: The journey – toloseoneself

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