Do you wish to be made whole aka how badly?

Before you write me off, let me alleviate some discomfort you may be feeling at reading this title. I am NOT a name it, claim it believer. I do not think all of our situations, circumstances, diseases, battles, etc can be healed or fixed simply by believing enough or wishing hard enough. Now that that is cleared up …

I’ve been in a rut lately. I wake up, do my devotions, get ready for work, work for 8+ hours and then get home and plop myself on the couch with “Frasier” playing on Netflix. Sometimes I sleep, sometimes I just sit there mindlessly drowning out my day. 

Meanwhile, my husband, who has also just worked 8+ hours, cleans, cooks and does various other chores. He never complains. And when I try to apologize, he tells me I need my rest and that he doesn’t know how I teach a class full of 3-5 year olds all day by myself. My heart tells me this isn’t fair. My conscience feels guilty. But I allow myself to remain lulled in this complacent state of being. Not growing, not giving. Just being. 

And I’m unhappy. I’m unfulfilled. Because even though my job is exhausting and I often feel people don’t understand all of the work I put into a single day, my job is not my life, nor should it be. My life should be defined by my walk with Christ and how that impacts my day to day life.

Throughout my life, I have felt misunderstood. Melancholy. Less than. Paralyzed by fear. And I have allowed these things to define me. My heart cries out to be free of the burden of depression and anxiety, but my mind tells me this is a safe place. A place that is known and a place where much won’t be asked of me. So guess what? My growth has been stunted; I have allowed it to be so. 

In John 5:6, Jesus asks a lame man if he wants to be made whole. What a bizarre question. If I had been crippled my entire life, of course I’d want to be able to walk! But … is that entirely true? If I had become accustomed to a certain way of life, even if it wasn’t the most convenient or freeing, might it not be easier to simply stay that way? Isn’t that what I have been doing?

Depression and anxiety are serious medical conditions, but I do not have to let them define my life. I need to truly give these things over to God and ask with my whole being to be free of them or to learn how to live fully with them. Those are the options that will bring me true happiness, joy and peace. 

The movie “Little Women” starring Winona Ryder as Jo March has been a favorite of mine since childhood. There is a line she says when she is temporarily living in New York that has always struck a chord with me. She is having a spirited discussion with a group of men when one of them says to her “You should have been a lawyer, Miss March” to which she responds, “I should have been a great many things.” I have taken great comfort in that line; that was me. I had so much potential and I was going to look back on my life and feel the satisfaction that I could have done so much. Even as I type that, it seems so absurd. But honestly, that is how I felt. 

No more. I don’t want to look back and feel I had missed opportunities. I want to look back and feel satisfied knowing I did what God designed me for, whatever that may be. I want to continue to reach for my dreams. Who says I can’t be an author, a mother, the world’s best wife? It’s time I stop limiting God and robbing myself of what amazing things could be in my future.

“In Over My Head” Bethel Music
I have come to this place in my life

I’m full but I’ve not satisfied

This longing to have more of You

And I can feel it my heart is convinced

I’m thirsty my soul can’t be quenched

You already know this but still

Come and do whatever You want to
I’m standing knee deep but I’m out where I’ve never been

And I feel You coming and I hear Your voice on the wind
Would you come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put You in

Let love come teach me who You are again

Would you take me back to the place where my heart was only about You

And all I wanted was just to be with You

Come and do whatever You want to
And further and further my heart moves away from the shore

Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours

And further and further my heart moves away from the shore

Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours
Then You crash over me and I’ve lost control but I’m free

I’m going under, I’m in over my head

Then you crash over me, and that’s where You want me to be

I’m going under, I’m in over my head

Whether I sink, whether I swim

It makes no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head

Whether I sink, whether I swim

It makes no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head

I’m Beautifully in over my head

I’m Beautifully in over my head

4 thoughts on “Do you wish to be made whole aka how badly?

  1. Oh my how good was that?????? You rocked it Steph…..and now to step into the new you without limitations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you.

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  2. So beautifully honest Stephanie! Really resonated with me. I was drowning this summer, but God sent me life rafts to cling onto and now the water has receded a bit. Thank you Jesus!

    Like

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