Last night I had a dream that left me feeling derailed. I dreamt that people were trying to kill me and I was desperately running away from them- an unsettling dream for anyone, I would imagine. But when I woke up, something even more alarming happened. I have been reading through the Bible chronologically and what passages did I read today but 1 Samuel 18-20 and Psalms 11 and 59. These chapters tell the story of David, an innocent young man called by God and threatened by King Saul. David is humbly serving the King when Saul begins to lose his mind to this overwhelming jealousy and fear of David. Saul becomes so consumed with the need to kill David that when Jonathan, his own son, tries to intervene on behalf of David, he throws his spear at Jonathan and David is forced to flee for his life.
Hmm. So, I had a dream that I was fleeing for my life and these just happened to be the passages that 103 days into my chronological reading plan were marked for today? Yeah, I started to freak out a bit.
As I’ve said in the past, God uses dreams to speak to me but sometimes I can take things a bit too literally, so I called my mom for some wisdom. As we talked about the dream, I revealed two additional details that started to allow me to put the pieces together. First, two people from my past were in the dream. These are people I haven’t spoken to in years and who should not hold any significance in my current life. Second, at one point when I was running I ended up in my bedroom from one of my childhood homes. I’ve dreamt of this house in nightmare scenarios on numerous occasions and when I discussed this with one of my aunts, she told me that whenever she dreamt of her old house, it represented bondage in her life. Additionally, while in my room in the dream I ran to hide in my closet, only to find that a chunk of the floor had been carved out and covered over, as a means for my would be killers to sneak in and capture me.
As my mom and I talked, I realized there was a spiritual attack taking place and God, in his loving goodness, was opening my eyes to the danger of what I was leaving my heart open to. He wasn’t trying to scare me or shame me, He was trying to protect me. He was protecting me. That blows my mind.
I continued to work through what God was revealing to me throughout the day (it’s now past midnight and I’m still processing). My heart was turning from fear to faith yet again. But shortly after I came home from work, I crashed hard only to be literally awoken by some very disheartening news. The feelings of defeat started to overcome me again. Then I remembered my sister had recommended the newest Bethel album to me. I began to blast it (still am- sorry to my love upstairs trying to sleep!) and just let God speak to my heart.
Worship is so incredibly powerful. I immersed myself in the words and began to focus on the love of my savior. If you know me, you know I love sleep and I should have been in bed hours ago, but I can’t seem to pull myself off the couch as I just worship. I’m overwhelmed. Jesus has been pursuing me since before time. He sees me where I am right now and knows exactly what I’m struggling through. He is guarding and guiding my future. What is this love? I cannot fathom it. It is astounding.
I apologize if this is all a bit scattered. Today has felt like another milestone along my journey and God calls us to build memorials at these places.
So may this serve as a monument to the fact that I am a woman in love with Someone who after all these years still manages to surprise and amaze me.